20 Feb 2004
That once she was planted
Her bush would grow.
She wove her hands
Across his foreign lands
And felt his storm blow.
Praise be to the bubbly verbal laxative
That I know as champagne
And let’s salute the soother of the beast
That I watch you dance to
So much more together than apart
And with them I plan tonight
To steal away your heart.
(If that’s okay?)
Just one more ditty and I shall be away
To smoke a cigarette amongst the hay
And forgetfully drop the match there
And return shortly with far less hair.
Met this man in a bar
Said he’d arrived from afar
And the reason he was blind
Was far too much moonshine.
He wore a peaked cowboy’s hat
And it was on the pooltable that he sat
And told the world his name was Jack
While his left buttock potted the black.
After the second jug of flat beer
He sang to all those who could hear
Quite truly the saddest ever song
Composed about the game of Mahjong.
As we all wiped away the tears
He appeared to have disappeared
And although I searched the bar up and down
No trace of the old guy was to be found.
But under the table where he sat
I found his peaked cowboy’s hat
And out of it fell
A purple scaled lizard’s tail.
And as I stood and mused
For what this tail could possibly be used
There came a scream as if from Hades
And out stumbled Jack from the door of the ladies.
Followed shortly by a lady enraged
Screaming to the heavens that she was engaged
And, nonetheless, even despite that
She never touched a man who stood while he shat.
So quickly I picked Jack from the floor
And led both of us nimbly out of the door
Because the night as we knew it was still young
And there was still much drinking to be done.
We cruised the streets for a time
Talking gibberish with no reason no rhyme
And agreed upon a plan for the night
That somehow we’d get Jack back his sight.
We considered the idea of visiting a specialist
But I had little money and Jack just his vest
So as it was through drink that Jack his sight did loose
Perhaps it would return if he drank enough booze?
“A-ha” yelled Jack, and the plan was agreed
He’d drink and drink till he’d had all that he would need
So once again he could see all the splendour
And visit the bathroom of the correct gender.
I knew of a bar across town that would suit our needs
Where the drink was cheap and the stools just reached your knees
So when you eventually fell from the bar
Your head to not have to hurtle so far.
“I’ve done it before” said he to a tree
“Exactly!” said I, “But never with me.”
“It may or may not work….”
“But either way we are going to get horrifically drunk.
Our strides took on a purposeful gait
As it was already late and neither of us could wait
To quaff plenty more spirits and such
And see if Jack’s sight might tonight be in luck.
We eventually reached the bar
And only once had he been hit by a car
And only thrice did Jack the night toast
With his forehead, on a passing lamppost.
We found the door and shortly the bar
Where we sat ourselves and ordered a jar
Of the most potent liqueur known to man
Or at least the deadliest to be found in this land.
“Glug, glug,” went we and then “Same again but doubles!”
The bar man nodded and looked mildly troubled
As we had just sunk his whole supply of scotch
Straight and neat and without the rocks.
And after the tequila and vodka had gone south as well
The barman knew we were heading for hell
On our way with only a few stops
To drain his bar of even the brewed hops.
By now all the bar custom had departed
But we were hardly started
“Plenty more percentage need we,
If you are ever going to see.”
At this point the bar man realised the situation
And reached for the bottle of liquid nitrogen
Shaking his head profusely he poured two pints
And with tongs he placed them in front of his two remaining clients.
Jack and I looked at the glasses the barman had unveiled
At least I looked while Jack just inhaled
And slowly grins took over our faces
As we both reached for our lethal vases.
The barman saw our deadly intent from afar
And threw himself headfirst behind the bar
No doubt expecting exploding bodies and estranged limbs
He poked his head up and saw only our fixed grins.
Our bodies still intact but our minds blown away with beauteous pain
I smiled at him only to hear Jack exclaim
“Great Gods on high! But I can SEE!”
And slipped down the bar to firmly embrace me.
We thank the relieved barman and made our way
And “Thank Fuck” was all we heard him say
To each other we said what we had to say
And tipping his hat Jack slowly blew away.