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Showing posts from October, 2004
In the days of rapid-right-handed-wrist-wobbling abstinence that I have been reveling in recently, it has become clear that my addiction was not to wanking but rather to pornography. I now believe that the physical ritual of masturbation and the blatant material of pornography combine to create an experience which is easily repeatable and soon becomes firmly established in your head as a source of joy. Like the rolling and then smoking of a spliff, like the pound coin being pushed into the slot and then the pretty colours, like the preparation and then hit of the Brown Lady. All inducive to a state of addiction.

I actually attempted to have a wank last night. One of my customers had heard that I was thinking of returning to a 'proper' job in the city and so, for some reason and showing an alarming intuition into only recently cremated habits, gave me two DVD of porn filth as a leaving present. Purely for reasons of research, I popped one on last night and settled back, think…
Over the years I have had the opportunity to become addicted to many things. My second addiction was to marijuana, which crept up on me in the disguise of a social statement that I was supposedly making as well as being lots of giggles. Suddenly realised at the end of my second year at university that the reason I spent eighty two percent of the day in bed was because I smoked too much. Stopped doing that quite so much, which took a while and several weeks of sleepless nights. No worries. Spent less time in bed and more in the bar where I picked up my addiction to fruit machines. Six months and one student grant later, I realised that I had a problem and so stopped pumping the pound coins into the machines.

After Uni I popped over to Amsterdam to work and in this fine city I picked up my fourth and worst addiction to date. Heroin. A fucking marvellous drug that guarantees contentment when imbibed but the whole habit does tend to take the edge off the rest of life’s plentiful bounties.…
So, moved into new pad mere metres away from the frothing Atlantic. The breakfast bar looks out over the ocean and the humped fields with a panoramic view all the way around to the church in Marhamchurch. Jack and I were munching on cereal one morning, he reading his National Trust magazine and I the Private Eye, when he informed me of the 85% urban demographic who require time in the country to de-stress. Jack looked at me and I at he and then, like a scene from the closing credits of a wonderfully cheesey film, we both turned to survey our view. I then commented that we should probably spend 15% more of our time in the city otherwise we might have a stress deficiency. We chuckled smugly to ourselves.

If this is not enough then check out the pad. Through the front door into the spacious living room with four sofas which opens into the kitchen with the aga pumping out heat. Through the kitchen door into a corridor which you can cross to reach the first bathroom. In this wooden-paneled…
The passage of each day is bringing me closer to forming a terrorist group of my own.

When I was but a wee young stripling of a lad I remember continually arguing with my parents after one occasion when I made the fatal mistake of being honest with them. I had just smoked my first few spliffs down the bottom of the garden and foolishly, and perhaps because I was freshly stoned, I presumed that Mum and Dad would understand my curiosity and would leave me to it. I mean, the authors I was so enamoured with at that time were all prescribing healthy doses of all sorts of pharmaceuticals; Huxley liked his mescaline, Kesey his LSD-25 and Burroughs his smack, to name but a few; and I thought that the rents would take my mild investigations into these matters with a nurturing pat on the back. This was not the case.

Hence followed two years of them shouting at me that I needed counselling and me replying in shrieks that it was them who needed help to deal with the reality that,"everybody s…
Supavision coast to coast Bruce speaking how can I help?

Yesh, hello.

Hi there.

Yesh. I am looking for some movies.

Right. Good thing you called a video shop then. What movies?

Yesh. I am looking for foreign movies.

Ah, right, well we don’t have many of those. There isn’t the demand to justify buying that many.

Yesh.

Yes. Perhaps if you tell me a title you have in mind I can tell you if I have it or not?

Yesh.

Yep. Fire away then, when you’re ready.

Yesh. Do you have some under the counter for me?

O right. I see. When you say foreign films what you really mean is porn, right?

Yesh.

Right. Okay, well, it’s the same situation as with the foreign films. We don’t have many pornographic..

Yesh.

…films either as most people get theirs from the internet.

Yesh?

Yeah, coz then you can get films which aren’t censored by the BBFC, you know.

Yesh.

So….

Yesh.

So, in conclusion, I don’t really have any porn.

Yesh. Will you make some for me then?

Ha! It wouldn’t be cheap!

Yesh. How much for your por…