19 Jan 2007

Yo Bro! Check it out - Mum was tidying some stuff up recently and found some interesting stuff (check your email) - the most interesting of which I think are these two photos of our biological grandfather, Spencer. Pic one has himself and his sister at some social gathering - look at the stamp on the back of it. He looks rather smooth if you ask me. His brother, the Ratman Geoff, told mum that when he saw the pictures of you from Nippers that he could see some of his brother in you. Pic 2 is of him with mum in his lap. I'm not sure who the other lass is. Picture one is from 1937 and 2 is from 1943. Blimey, eh? Only taken thirty odd years to find the light of day! Peace out bredren!

The first fire I went to with Elaine all I could think about was that she had dropped her end of the ladder onto my foot. We raced through the traffic. She was sitting in the back of the cab trying to smile at Dan who refused to meet her gaze and lessen her worry. Her smile died and she drew her lips shut in a straight line. I watched her fiddle with the straps of her jacket out of the corner of my eye as we overtook a coach full of school kids and Matt gave them a loud blast of the siren. They cheered, we smiled, Elaine coughed. My toe had yet to fully heal but I had not told the medical officer. Despite any reservations I had about a crew member, a colleague, a compadre, the eyes in the back of my head and strong arms carrying me from harm’s way, not being able to lift their end of the standard 20 foot ladder, unlike the others, I did not enjoy seeing Elaine’s struggle added to by bitterness. So I would not allow Elaine to be silently persecuted with dismissive looks by a team minus one of their number. Perhaps already aware she had an ally of sorts Elaine looked at me. “Big, old warehouse, dry as bones, gonna be a real crackler.” I said to noone in particular. “We’re set, get it wet, no worries.” came back from Matt. “No worries.” from Dan. They were daring Elaine to say something so it might be made even clearer that she did not belong. It was not malicious, solely a test you could only fail, but in degrees. I watched Elaine with her head down in the rear-view mirror but then she looked up and said, ”Totally no worries.” and I could not help my back stiffening. Perhaps Matt’s knuckles turned alabaster on the wheel and perhaps Dan gave a hidden and venomous look, but I could not see as I had turned to look at Elaine. She met the gaze, let it wash around her head and gave it back. I faced front. “This left Matt.” It was a start but even the thickest glaze can be cracked in the furnace.

A group of men stood by the bench. One of the cars had its lights on. Two of the men were smoking and one of them turned when the click-clack of my heels reached them. The bite of the night air was on my legs and un-pantied groin but I was excited and it just heightened the sensation. All the men turned, none of them smiled but the fags were thrown to the ground. Number one and two looked me all over. Their eyes roved up and down my body and if I had needed any encouragement this would have been it. Number three was nervous and could not look at my face so just stared at my open jacket and the red bra underneath. Number four stood to one side and talked on his phone. He looked at my face briefly and he was very handsome. Normally I would have hinted at a smile but not tonight, not here; it would not mean anything at all. Tonight was only about servicing. I approached number one and two and knelt down in front of them. Small edges in the tarmac dug into my bare knees as the two men smoothly and with the practice of regulars undid their trousers and offered one darker, one lighter, for my appraisal. I grabbed one in each hand and roughly yanked back and forth. I turned my head to look at number three who stared at my right hand while his left hand searched for change in his pocket. He would watch but that would be all tonight. Perhaps next time. One and two stiffened quickly and I spent equal time savouring their salty hardness, each tasting similar but uniquely different, perhaps like snowflakes, no two quite alike. Number four was still on the phone but he was watching too, edging closer. Number two moaned and came and some slipped down between my knuckles and onto my palm. I left number one and tasted it. I looked up and smiled for the first time before returning to number one. Number four was by my shoulder now, still talking about Saturday and how he would drive to wherever he was going. Still talking he unzipped and offered himself. I stood up, brushed small stones from my knees with my dry hand, looked at four briefly and then down at his trousers. “No thanks luv, but you can watch if you like.” I turned to number one who was grinning and told him he could fuck me over the bench.

Then was she alone for the first time in what now seemed like forever. She sat down and nodded her head. The chair was comfortable, sure, although she had sat in more luxurious seats. The surroundings were well-appointed and she especially liked the chandelier although she suspected that picture at the far end of the room would be gone fairly damn quickly. She had never liked the subject of the portrait and the idea of spending the days, weeks, years exchanging glances with him and, perhaps, even growing accustomed to him was untenable. Changes would be made, hell, changes had already been made. She span herself around in the seat with her feet. No problem with the view though, no sir. So, the chair was comfortable and the surroundings well-appointed but, she thought, it’s all about location, location, location. She chuckled to herself and then thought that she should probably stop doing that. The phone on the desk rang and she picked it up. “Hello darling……..Really? What do you think?…….Good. Well, probably about eight…..chicken sounds good. Yep. Good. O, I almost forgot, that program on penguins is on tonight. Do you think you could record it for me? Thanks honey…yep, see you later.” She put the phone down and had one more spin and then there was a knock at the door. “Come in,” she said, checking the desk was in order. It was, she looked up. It was Jackson. “Putin on line two, Mrs President.”

15 Jan 2007

I was sitting here last night feeling rather sorry for myself. On Saturday I had played in a vital league hockey game against Tavistock who were then third, behind us purely on goal difference, and had scored an absolute scorcher of a goal to give us a 3-1 lead. However, Tavy pulled it back to 3 apiece and we were going to settle for the draw and single point. That was until I gave the softest and most inaccurate pass of my career – straight to the opposition who promptly scored to win. I was utterly gutted. After the game I sat on the side and put my head between my legs and, I hate to say it, a tear eked its way out. I felt distraught and solely responsible for potentially jeopardising our promotional prospects. Anyway, I got over it (and myself) in about five minutes and after having the piss ripped from me in the Carriers later on I felt much better. However, the shame and ignominy and sense of personal failure lingered in the background. Hence Sunday night I was revelling in the feeling of ‘All that is Good in the World is coming to an End.’ You know, fairly standard Sunday emotions. Then a text came in; it was from someone I thought I’d probably never hear from again but her name was still on my phone because I enjoy entertaining entirely unrealistic notions of hope. On my phone and in my head she is known simply as Ms. Delectable. She is the perfect feminine package, body and brains. In both respects she has everything where it should be and then some. She’s one of those girls who draw attention like a super-powered eye-magnet. The first time that I saw her was in a club two summers ago. She was just standing there gently bopping to the funky tunes and looking edible. Now, I may have been slightly off it but she straightened out all of my synaptic junctions and re-aligned them pointing directly at her. I had no choice, my actions were not mine but rather they stemmed from a primal, subconscious need to mate with her and so I walked straight up to her and put my mouth next to her ear:

“You look so good I wanta take you home and tear off all your clothes!”

I came to my senses and saw that this honey was smiling at me. No slap, no knee to the groin, no battering by a boyfriend called over to “Sort out this pervert!” She told me straight away that she had a boyfriend and although he was at home up-country she intended to be faithful to him. I said Cool, but took it as a challenge and, anyway, I couldn’t help myself. We spent the whole night talking and generally turning each other on in ‘non-adulterous’ ways. She turned out to be the sister of a good friend who proceeded to warn Ms. D. all about me but this didn’t have the desired affect so, anyway, we had a wicked night and have been in contact ever since, on and off, until last summer. She came down again and her sister told me that she had hooked up with one of the most eligible bachelors in Surrey and was seriously enamoured. We talked but I limited my patter to strictly above the belt, as it were. I’m all kinds of respectful. So, her text perked me up and hence followed the closest thing to Text Sex that I have experienced.

Hello, its Natalie. Is this still ur number? X

Yo Nat! Yep, still my number. How you doing? It’s good to hear from your delectable self. Still in Brackers? Woof. x

Why hello there! Happy belated new year 2 u. Yep, still in Bracknell, wouldn’t be anywhere else! Any more plans 2 come up here then? X

I was going to ask you when you’re moving down here. Had a great N.Yr, hope you did too. Might be upto Londinium soon to see peeps – you owe me a guided tour of Brackers! You still with same job? Any plans to travel? x

I was thinking of things I wanted 2 do before I was 25 & u popped into my head! Sorry! I’m feeling frisky! Um, no, new job – I’m studying 2 be a personal trainer now, writing idea subsidised! Travelling – not yet. Yes, do pop down & I will indeed give you a guided tour! X

Woofla! Jesus, ur last text is never getting deleted!! Thou art truly sexy! God, I’m all hot now! Coincidence perhaps but on Friday I came across that incredibly hot pic you sent me and did nothing for about five minutes but stare at it and use my imagination. And a personal trainer! I’m melting here Nat. x

Oh really! And just what did you imagine?! I have other pictures I may just send u, like the one u sent me of ur tattoo! There’s this place in Brac which does Burlesque photography, I’m really into all that, & I’m gonna get my photo taken! Dita von Teese is my idol! U like? X

It’ll be easier if I just show you! I can’t think about you in that way without getting v.excitable, since the first time I saw you it’s been the same. Pix? PIX! Yes, you should definitely send some. Trust me, they will be appreciated! And Dita does indeed bang my gong but I’d much rather bang thou! X
Dark, sultry, sensuous lips, perfect shape, eyes that raise bpm’s. You two have a lot in common! X

Seeing as u can’t show me at this particular minute, how about some words instead, be as descriptive as u like! U have no idea what ur words do 2 me – my mind can’t help but wonder where else ur talents lie…? X oh & thanks 4 the likening with Dita, u have made my day! X

R u near ze internet right now?

No I’m in bed – why? X

Forget it, I prefer it where you are. Damn, I’m sitting here trying to text but my hand keeps straying! It’s like a rod of iron right now coz I’m thinking of what you might be wearing and how I’m going to peel it off and then press myself against your flesh and wrap my arms around you and then my hands are going exploring all over you to see which bits make you breathe deeply…and then I’m gonna kiss the hell out of you and grab your hair and pull you against me even harder…and then we’ll just have to see…goddamn Nat!! I can’t even bend it a little bit! WOOF! X

I like! U make me feel hot in particular places! Right now I’m wearing sexy silk, & I can’t stop thinking about u taking it off & touching me. Between u & I, I have always had a thing 4 u, & I’ve always fantasised about u fucking me, as I know u would make me feel amazing. So there! Come down 2 see me and u never know what may lie in store 4 u! u will learn that I am an incredibly sexual & passionate woman who absolutely LOVES Sex! X
Oh, and I forgot 2 mention how good I am at doing certain things as well….! X

I never doubted any aspect of your hotness for a second. Just seeing your name sends my mind off on a hot, dirty, sweaty, clothes-tearing episode. I want to be next to you right now making your back arch. I want to taste you. I bet you taste good! I’m taking you to bed with me tonight and we’re getting funky! I wanta practice just in case I get to get my hands on you! Nat, you turn me on something chronic and I’ve always intended to make you cum. And I will! Lots! X’s all over ya!

Oh god, I feel horny! U make me want 2 touch myself & imagine ur fingers inside me & ur hands all over me. It’s a date then….I think u would blow my mind, & I don’t doubt I could make u feel pretty good in return. We shall see. I’m game if u r ;) x

Have I not been adequately clear Nat? I am so game for some seriously heaving union with you, you who have the legs and inner thighs that I wanta crawl up with my tongue and small nibbles and soft fingers and hard grip to make sure you’re as ready as can be for when I introduce myself to you properly and deeply, that I should be crowned world champion! I’m gonna make you drenched given half a chance…and then I want you to do me. And that’s just for starters girl! I’ve thought about it long enough. I want you! X
Had to come and look at all the pix you sent me. You…Are…Hotness…Herself. I want you in all sorts of naughty ways! X

Then u have got me, in whatever way u please…! God, ur words make me melt inside & make me moist in places I want ur fingers & tongue 2 explore! I can’t wait, by then I shall be clawing the walls with anticipation of what it will be like 2 finally live out my fantasy! Bring it on! I’m ready when u r x
Tell me more please! X

Nat, I can’t wait to get my hands on you and to feel yours on me. I’m coming to hunt you down and make your toes curl. I want to be able to taste and smell you on my face and fingers. I’m going to indulge myself in you, go to town, pleasure you until your whole body goes limp. You deserve it. I’m going to bed now and I’m thinking about you in yours and your sweet arse and those tits that make me wanta grab you from behind, spread your legs and, quite frankly, fuck you silly. Thank you for being you. I’m going to wank myself silly thinking about you doing the same. Maximum Woof! X, all over.

Wow, what a text…Well enjoy in every way & I shall do the same! I will await ur arrival in fair Bracknell – speak before then tho. If ur feeling horny, please let me know! Sweet dreams XX

I dig you the most. Dorme bien beautiful. XX

12 Jan 2007

EX23 3XX

Customer Care
PO Box 486
S63 5ZX


Ref. from your last communiqué: FS/Campbell/514813/IAP

Hello Ian,

I am writing to you today, very calmly and very collectively, only because I promised the Lord that I would wait at least two weeks before venting my spleen towards your company and the deplorable way in which you have treated my account. Had I written nearer the time of the blameworthy incident then you would have received a crumpled manuscript scrawled in thick red marker included in which would have been every known insult and swear-word known to man in four different languages, as well as several stick-figure depictions of what I intend to do to whomever I can get my hands on at Orange hierarchy. I hear you ask yourself as you sit in your office, ”What could we have done to force the change from such a normally erudite and polite chap into this raging, seething, still erudite, force of vengeance?” Hah! Like you don’t already know! Hah! I shall elucidate the circumstances for you none the less, as three out of four of my anger management therapists suggest such a process to be cathartic. (Incidentally, the fourth has given up on me and instead slipped me the name and contact details of an eminent Bulgarian hitman who, since the New Year, can move about Europe with impunity. And he’s cheap.)

I returned from holiday at the beginning of November to find waiting for me what I thought to be a particularly badly-phrased, unclear and very rude and threatening letter from your company (hence to be referred to as ‘you’ because it makes me feel better to target something that can be easily crushed) informing me that due to my large bandwidth usage my account was shortly to be cancelled. I was flabbergasted. I have had an uninterrupted account with what is now Orange ISP since back when it was Freeserve, through the period of time when it was Wannadoo, with no problems whatsoever. May I now make a small point, one which is little but of large and repercussive relevance: at no time since the original sign-up with Freeserve have I received any form of contract, be it hard or electronic copy. Bare that in mind Ian. So, in the face of this alarming letter from you I immediately contacted your Customer Service Call Centre. If you reference my last letter to you, dated 15 November 2006, you will see that the matter of my account had been handled in, what I thought at the time to be, a professional and courteous way. The problem with my £17.99 per month contract and the limited bandwidth usage it entailed was dealt with by your Customer Service Representative by upgrading me to the £19.99 per month Unlimited Usage account. Incidentally Ian, for your perusal and education:

unlimited adj. 1. Without limits or bounds: unlimited knowledge. 2. Not restricted, limited, or qualified: unlimited power.

Hence – ‘Unlimited Usage’ – being not restricted, not limited, not qualified in any way. Can it be any clearer than that? I think not.

Things went ahead well. My O2 phone contract was coming up for renewal and I was intent on taking advantage of your company’s combined account for phone and internet access, for myself and strands of the family. That was until one day shortly before Christmas when my username and/or password were apparently incorrect and I cold not gain access to your server. As I mention above, I have had the same account since the days of Freeserve and was in no doubt that I had made no error with my sign-in. I called the Technical Assistance department at Orange only to be told that, not only had my account been unceremoniously and without notification cancelled, but that I owed you around £190.00 due to said cancellation. In my normal polite and well-brought-up manner I apologised in advance to the technical care agent and then proceeded to swear profusely at him. The refined version went a little something like this:

“You what? Cancelled? How can you cancel my account? Why?”

Due to overusage.

“Overusage? Overusage? Overusage! But the account is Unlimited! How can you over use something without limits? This is not complicated semantics! Explain! No wait! Explain first why I owe you near enough two hundred notes!”

Due to outstanding subscription fee on cancelled contract.

“What? Insane dribble! Get me your supervisor now!”

No problem sir. I’ve put a few of these calls through to him today. Don’t worry, I think we drop the charge.

“Good Lord man, what sort of slip-shod operation is being run there? Eh?”

Supervisor here.

“Right, good, explain.”

Well sir, because you downloaded around 80gig last month you have broken the contract with us.

“Would that be the ‘unlimited’ contract?”

Yes sir.


Well, the contract does carry the ‘Fair Usage’ caveat.

“The what? ‘Fair Usage’ caveat? What’s that then? No, don’t tell me, it’s small print isn’t it?”

Yes sir. It means you have to respect other Orange internet users.

“What! I paid for the ‘Unlimited’ account exactly so I wouldn’t have to worry about my usage at all! What are you lot playing at?”

All ISP’s have a fair usage clause sir.

“So what? I didn’t know about it and now my account is cancelled, I can’t access my work emails nor can I communicate visually with my brother overseas during Christmas. You are having a bath, surely?”

No sir. The fair usage clause clearly states….

“Where does it state? At no point during the phone conversation I had to upgrade my account to expressly avoid this exact problem was I informed that I might have my account cancelled if I used it too much. Perhaps the agent couldn’t get their head around the clear contradiction of terms involved? I have received no information about this through the mail or email. How do you expect me to follow a contract I do not have? I demand you get me on-line immediately!”

Sorry sir, but since the account was cancelled BT has flagged the line and it is unusable for a period of at least ten working days.

(N.B. At this point Ian, I informed the supervisor that I was a solicitor and spent portions of my time dealing with Contractual Disagreements. He went quiet and then said there was nothing he could do, he understood my point, he was sorry, there really was nothing he could do, sorry again, happy Christmas. I returned the good will adding that I hoped he enjoyed particularly unpleasant stuffing over the seasonal hiatus.)

So there you are; a detailed account, from my point of view, of the despicable and hugely regretful incident that you put me through. I write this letter for your information only. I do not want nor expect any form of apology or reparation from you. I have no intention of having anything to do with Orange ever again, even if you offer me ‘Free Communications for Life!’ as, and I think you’ll appreciate my point here Ian, that could mean no comms. for a month and a thousand pound fine for even daring to believe that the title of the offer might have some truth about it, somewhere, somehow. I am sure you will not mourn the loss of several customers. Despite the fact that I fully intend to bad mouth you wherever I go in the world, I doubt that the loss of maybe thirty potential customers will keep you awake at night or hit your stock much. I can but try. I would just like you to know that presently the internet aspect of your company is to be found wanting. The fact that I was informed that this problem had happened with other customers before me clearly shows that your service infrastructure is weak, crumbling and, at this time, taking on more than it can handle. A very poor show indeed.

I am still off-line, still angry, still upset and still wishing karmic retribution to be visited upon you.

Don’t mention it.

Yours Utterly Sincerely,

Bruce Campbell

P.S. I'm just kidding about the hitman. Ha ha. Just my little joke.

P.P.S. Or am I?

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