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Showing posts from 2008
Arrived in Hull for work at about 00:30, registered and then popped across road to take this. Being polite and nice, like I am, I went in first to ask if they minded if I took a picture of the outside of their fine establishment. It soon became clear that I had made a large mistake as there was no sign of the boss and instead only Fuck-witted and Demented-dwarf were on duty. Fuck-witted did all of the talking in this increasingly heated and irrelevant exchange as D.dwarf could barely see over the counter – he pulled himself up with his forearms on the counter-top, forearms like corded, tensile steel may I add. Conversation was joined by wizened whore with chips in one hand, bottle of sherry in the other and a severely disfigured face.

Anyway, it went a little something like this:

Me: “Good evening guys – I was just wondering if you’d mind me taking a picture of your shop? It’s for a mate who isn’t here who loves your shop a lot.”

F-W.:…..(blank stare with one good and one glassy eye.)…….

Alex and Bruce GO Rally Driving.

“Three, two, one go.” Right foot down, left foot coming up and then down and change and right foot down and grin. Dust plume behind, track in front. Intense acceleration.

“Easy left, leading fifty metres to right ninety degrees….” Steering wheel throwing the car from verge to verge. Flying up and down the gears. Small straight; “Hundred metres.” Time enough to blink.

“Hard left, 50 metres, hard right…shit, potholes.” The car takes off repeatedly, the map pen flying on its string, and teeth chatter.

“Skin up.”
“Hard left, you’ve go to be joking, easy left.” Slight steering change (no problemo) and it’s into the left, tapping the break, feeling the sideways momentum, gliding around.

“Skin up. I need smoke!”
“Straight, 100 metres, leading upto 90 right.”
“Look, I’m driving; I can’t skin up. Skin up.”
“Seriously man…watch-out-the-deer! Jesus!” Car slides right fractionally. More revs and it’s back on course for the moon.

“Straight. 200 metres. Well, have you got any…