11 May 2006


The radar stopped screaming. The clouds rose up and kissed the descending underbelly of the twin-propeller plane. Jack Burton had been a qualified pilot for three days, two hours and three quarters of a return flight to Laos before he encountered a situation only briefly hinted at during his two-year training. Flight Captain Leo Brokowitz had covered comprehensively all aspects of emergency manoeuvres, normally the pilot’s last resort in instance of severe mechanical failure, but had only mentioned ‘missile attack’ the one time when they had propped the bar up for 36 hours and ‘Broko’ had slipped back to his memories of the Tet Offensive.

“We’d eaten about two tons of small arms fire flying those damn missions. We didn’t even know what the fuck we were trying to bomb but there was definitely a whole barn full of Charlie ripping shots off at us. Mad Frank, you remember him from that strip joint, Mad Frank’s left ear had been hit and blown clean off. Shit yeah, it stuck to the landing gear switch for awhile before he put it in his pocket.”

Jack wondered ,”I didn’t notice a missing ear.”

“Well, he got an old papa-san to whittle him a new one out of bamboo but it didn’t fit so he shot him. Then he realised it was upside down and now he swears he can hear better out of that then the original. Shot his daughter too, mad bastard.”

Jack goggled ,”Jesus.”

“Sweet fucking Jesus. That’s what I said when I saw the flash from the trees and then the thin plume of dirty smoke head towards us with a missile in front of it. Fucking sneaky bastards had Chinese S.A.M.s and we were fucked! I shit my pants and Mad Frank starts hollering like a klaxon.”

Jack blinked ,”What was the crate? DC9?”

“Yeah, a flying brick. I tried to fly right the fuck out of its path but it’s got the turning circle of a….of a….well, shit, it hasn’t got one, not at 200 knots and with a missile coming head on at you.”

His companion pictured the scene and found it hard to believe that Brokowitz was here to buy the next round of warm beer. “So?”

“So?” He turned to look at Jack with the cold 1000-yard stare of someone who’s died and lived to tell the tale. “So the missile was getting bigger and bigger and coming straight towards the cockpit and I began to weep and that mad bastard turned to look at me and said ,”Have you shit yourself? I can smell shit.” We looked at each other as the windscreen shattered and the wind rushed over us. I wish that I could read Vietnamese so I could tell what those cunning pyjama-wearing motherfuckers had scrawled on the side of that missile.”


“That’s right. It didn’t explode on contact but just bust through the window, shot between me and Mad Frank’s head, straight down the cargo hold, straight through the stomach of the bombardier and blew a hole out of the tail fuselage.”

“What? That’s fucking impossible…”

The captain nodded into his beer glass ,”I know, but that’s what happened. Strangest things happened in the Nam and not just when we were high.”

“Fuck,” said the trainee pilot.

“Fuck indeed,” concurred his teacher.

The cargo plane dropped below the cover of the clouds and Captain Jack Burton pushed down hard on the stick, making the plane hug the contours of the jungle, palm fronds being whipped apart by the propellers. “Sweet fucking Jesus Lenny, I think we lost it!” The navigator nodded in a daze. The plane tore across the canopy of trees and then shot out over the Mekong delta surprising a flurry of migrating flamingos as they rested on their single legs in the water. “Shit,” both men quietly commented.

When the plane was found two weeks later it was mostly still pink and feathered.

10 May 2006

She was a small 27-year-old from Buenos Aires with long dark hair on her head and prolific over her pussy. She fidgeted constantly, always seemingly ill at ease wherever she was and would make small ’mewing’ sounds to accompany her mild spasms. Her English was patchy and she would often spill into Spanish despite noone around her being able to understand her effusive explanations. She described herself as a “bad woman” but never elucidated her misdemeanours and she dressed like she slept in a box behind the municipal library, albeit quite a smart box.

Our relationship was barely one; the conversations were notably one sided as was the sex. She seemed consistently elsewhere when what was really needed was her immediate presence between my legs. It was a struggle but I was stronger so I normally won. One night she bucked and mewed whilst I nearly drowned in her cinnamony juices and then when I resurfaced for treats she rolled on her side and waved a little hand dismissively in my direction. I looked at the curve from her backside upto her shoulders and focused on the freckles that populated her back. I still had fun with her that night. A little later on when she was asleep I joined the dots with a felt pen and made a big mess.

Things continued much in the same vein for the remainder of the two months that we saw each other. It was convenient for me that her interest was so cursory as she did not interfere with my project and I enjoyed paying her way and talking gibberish to a head that was normally looking elsewhere. In addition, her backside was perfect; if anyone ever tells you that there is a better means of stress relief than a quick squeeze of pert bum tissue then take it for written that I disagree. She only occasionally turned with a ferocious look of Latin execration on her pockmarked face and I would have to grab first one wrist and then the other as they headed towards my cranium and instead take a sharp knee to the balls.

All was good until she either failed to understand or simply ignored the door to the basement clearly labelled “KEEP OUT FUCKERS!” I did my fly up as I left the bathroom only to see the door ajar and a light on down the steps. Then Maria screamed and her small feet came bounding up the stairs carrying her rigid torso straight into my arms. I tried to explain but she could not understand so I carefully broke her delicate neck. I don’t normally keep mementoes but I still have her bottom and her right breast because that was my favourite one.

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