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Over the years I have had the opportunity to become addicted to many things. My second addiction was to marijuana, which crept up on me in the disguise of a social statement that I was supposedly making as well as being lots of giggles. Suddenly realised at the end of my second year at university that the reason I spent eighty two percent of the day in bed was because I smoked too much. Stopped doing that quite so much, which took a while and several weeks of sleepless nights. No worries. Spent less time in bed and more in the bar where I picked up my addiction to fruit machines. Six months and one student grant later, I realised that I had a problem and so stopped pumping the pound coins into the machines.

After Uni I popped over to Amsterdam to work and in this fine city I picked up my fourth and worst addiction to date. Heroin. A fucking marvellous drug that guarantees contentment when imbibed but the whole habit does tend to take the edge off the rest of life’s plentiful bounties. To keep to the point, I maintained a healthy heroin habit for about four years. I used to chase the dragon and only jacked up the once to see if it was any better. I ensured cleanliness throughout the sole incident and it was Scottish Billy, who cooked it up for me, who probably helped me to avoid an intravenous habit by nicking most of it for himself. Slowly, it became apparent that I had ridden that horse as far as it would carry me, if I wanted any chance of getting back to where I had left on it. I had knackered the mare! So, eventually, with lots of spit, tears, snot and vomit and banging of one’s head on the wall, I kicked that addiction.

Why the fuck am I writing all this dribble down? Oh, yes. Because I have just kicked my first addiction. This addiction started innocuously enough when I was about thirteen, doing what most boys of that age are busy doing. I have mentioned the frequency of my wanking patterns elsewhere in this blog, alongside other fascinating facts, so all I really want to say is that, for the first time in over five years, I have not had a wank in seven days. This is truly a groundbreaking achievement for the Bruce. The Bruce is full of happiness. In fact, I think you could say that I am veritably brimming with pent-up joy which is just waiting to be released. Like all addictions, the funny thing is that once you have truly decided to give up, it is not that hard and you do not miss the sensation. Okay, well, yes, it can be bloody hard but the true realisation that you want to stop, certainly with me, always guarantees the cessation of said addiction. So that’s that. Bruce is no longer a wanker. Keep your eyes peeled on ebay for a truly wondrous and eclectic mix of pornography. I’m now waiting for the next addiction to manifest..

What a pile of shit.


Carly said…
The only thing I've ever been addicted to was energy drinks, but that was over and done with quite quickly.
Anonymous said…
Andy, your a lying sack of shit! How can you be a heroin addict when you work in a video shop! You watch Clerks and Trainspotting far too much! Big Brother is watching you!
Bruce said…
Listen you anonymous fuckbag, having a heroin habit does not negate the possibility of full-time employment, a fact that I proved during the period when I was a junkie. You obvioulsy know me and I you but I suspect you are someone I would quite happily knee-cap with a claw-hammer. You cannot spell worth a damn and your facts are wrong. I WAS a junkie and NOW I work in a video shop. Whilst I WAS a junkie, I had several jobs, all of which were considerably more demanding than sitting here watching films and talking to punters.

I suggest you go and play with an electricity socket. 'Big Brother'? Don't you mean 'Big Twat'? I think you do. Bring it ON!!!!!

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