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Supavision coast to coast Bruce speaking how can I help?

Yesh, hello.

Hi there.

Yesh. I am looking for some movies.

Right. Good thing you called a video shop then. What movies?

Yesh. I am looking for foreign movies.

Ah, right, well we don’t have many of those. There isn’t the demand to justify buying that many.


Yes. Perhaps if you tell me a title you have in mind I can tell you if I have it or not?


Yep. Fire away then, when you’re ready.

Yesh. Do you have some under the counter for me?

O right. I see. When you say foreign films what you really mean is porn, right?


Right. Okay, well, it’s the same situation as with the foreign films. We don’t have many pornographic..


…films either as most people get theirs from the internet.


Yeah, coz then you can get films which aren’t censored by the BBFC, you know.




So, in conclusion, I don’t really have any porn.

Yesh. Will you make some for me then?

Ha! It wouldn’t be cheap!

Yesh. How much for your porn?

Nonononono. I don’t make porn for public exposure. Strictly private. Anyway, I’d charge an arm and a leg. You wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Yesh. How much for your porn with your sister?

Yeah, look mate, perhaps you should look on the internet for that sort of thing.

Yesh. How much for your porn with your sister and your dog?

Right, sir, I am going to hang up on you.


I have never hung up on anyone in my life but you are a total fucking retard and I can’t be arsed.


Goodbye and good luck.

Yesh. So Bruce, see you in the pub at ten?

…….Will? Is that you?

Yesh. I mean, yes.

You fucking twat!…..That was brilliant. I’ll get the first round in.


(You’d be surprised how often I have these types of phone conversations.)


Anonymous said…
He must have been after Young Gunther
Bruce said…
Anonymous said…
Why do I have a feeling you think I am someone else?
Bruce said…
I do not know. Telepathy? Phrenology? A healthy dose of insanity in your ancestors?

You could always leave a name. I admit it's a revolutionary idea but try it, you might like it.
Anonymous said…
No, you were right, it is me.
Bruce said…
Ahhhh. I thought you weren't going to come here anymore. I thought that was a very good idea.
Anonymous said…
Bruce said…
"?" yourself.

I smashed my butter dish last week with a big pneumatic drill.
Anonymous said…
What? Why?
Bruce said…
It clashed with the rest of my kitchen and I just had such a drill handy. It's not important.

Who is this and what do you want? I think I know who this is and if it is indeed who I think it is then I really wish you would leave and never hence return.
Anonymous said…
Mate, you've lost me.
Bruce said…
Right, simply put, if this is Jelena then piss off, dear girl. If this is someone other then hello, what the fuck do you want, why don't you include a name and it's a long story which will interest neither of us?

Incidentally, I didn't smah my butter dish as I like it very much. I was trying to get a reaction.
Anonymous said…
Bruce said…
Haven't you got anything better to do? Are you the Phantom? Do you have no name? Or if you tell me will you have to hunt me down and slaughter me?
Anonymous said…
Yes, but this is now fun. And who's Jelena?
Bruce said…
Jelena is none of your business Mr or Mrs Unmentionable. And I'm glad you're having fun. I'm not as I am not convinced this isn't a certain lady who has issues with me about certain things and who I'm sure would take a great deal of pleasure in pretending to be somebody she isn't.

('Great deal of pleasure' = 'fun'!)

You're having fun apparently...hmmmm.