16 Nov 2006

Lindsey and Bruce Wax Drunken Lyrical.


So there we were....

on a dark and windy night ....
the shutters weren't staying shut..and there was a noise from below...

an eerie strange noise that was not of this planet

So I tugged gently on Lindo's arm and stood up and moved towards the trap door. Something was alive below..

our minds were racing..what could it be?..heart was pounding so hard that I thought it would beat through my chest.

One of us had to approach the door. I didn't want to, nor did she, but to spend the rest of the night awake, in some sort of sleep, but still knowing that IT was alive below our heads was untenable. Lindo grabbed the chainsaw...


the revving of the chainsaw now drowned out every noise in the house including the thumping of my heart...

...and I admit, I sat there as Lindo took the reverberating saw in her hands and nodded towards me. I carefully lifted the trap door and Lindo stepped inside...

the darkness was the blackest light I have ever had to encounter. Taking a few seconds to adjust my eyes I noticed something strange lurking in the depths of the cellar???

All I could do was watch as the intrepid Lindo strode onwards downstairs. What could she see? I saw her shiver twice as she made her way down the rickety stairway, all the time with the comforting noise of the saw by her side. If there was arse to kick, she would truly kick it...

jesus christ.. something had just scurried over my foot..fucking rats I knew we should have called in the pest control..

Amidst the humour, there were still noises aloud. I decide at this point that it was time to get out Uncle's M60. Lindo would not got down to the cellar alone. I stepped up, let her know I was coming and cocked the mammoth weapon in my hands...


I carefully edged my way down scanning the cellar from left to right and then I noticed something at the back of the room that I had never seen before. there at the back was the best wine collection that I had ever clapped eyes on. the noise seemed to be from the corks popping out of the bottles..oh my god what a waste, quickly I ran over to try and save the best vintage..

....too bad Lindo saw the light of fine wine. Just as she had grabbed the bottles that truly needed saving, her long lost great Aunt arose from below and took a great big chunk of flesh out of her arm. I knew immediately that Lindo had minutes, maybe an hour to live as herself. I grabbed the bottles from her arms and kicked her firmly in the stomach. It was too late for her but not for the wines. As I sped up the rickety stairs, the third step broke and I chinned myself proper good. There was blood and everything. As I fell I let a bottle drop, the finest wine ever made ever and it broke on the floor and some of it spilt into the air and into the mouth of the waiting vampire...

the bastard.. if he thinks he can kick me in the stomach and run with the wine he had another thing coming..good job I was medically trained, quickly wrapping a piece of material round my arm I picked up the chainsaw and sliced into Auntie finishing her off with one fell swoop, and now it was time to get the hell out of here..

As my leg was released from the hold of Auntie (all due to Lindo chopping her up proper style) I took the time to grasp the last bottle of wine firmly in my grasp. This was a den of the After Dead. I knew that Lindo had been bitten and therefore, pretty soon, I would have to perish her. But as I watched her chop her way through the masses of the Undead I also knew she was my greatest ally. For the moment...

I knew the next few hours was going to be my greatest battle, knowing that I had been bitten and knowing the consequences I ....

But wait! Suddenly it occurred to Bruce that the curse could be lifted if you killed the head of the family. Lindo could be saved! Would she save herself....

I had to get myself to a place of safety, locked away so that I couldn't harm anybody and to give Bruce time to get me some help, hopefully he would know what to do to reverse the change that would occur within me..

...and it's funny that Bruce was so busy watching Lindo chop seven shades of shit out'a the night hugging mongrels that, for a moment, the importance of the situation escaped him. Not for long though. It all became clear. The headmaster needed to die. Lindo's arm was sagging with the weight of the c'saw, so I grabbed her and thrust my way through the denizens of the dead, taking a few heads with me all due to excessive usage of the baseball bat. Suddenly, I saw a light, like that from the wound of Kerist, shining to me from across the corridor. I knew I must head there with Lindo for full on redemption...

I felt myself getting weak with the loss of blood from my savaged wound, but my mind was sharp and focused, we had to head towards the light and get the hell out of here. the mission now was to find the leader, the head of the vampires and drive a stack through its heart to release me from this curse which would be with me for eternity if we didn’t act fast.. the taste of blood was already in my mouth!!

As I saw the headmaster scamper up the stairs I could also feel Lindo's gaze upon my neck. It was a thin line to walk, being friendly with a vampire but a line that I would see through. I grabbed Lindo and she grabbed me and picked me up. Already her strength was doubling. Together we lurched towards the spiral staircase and upwards. I had a short but sharp wooden ruler from an ancient maths class and Lindo had her, now dormant, C'Saw. We lunged up the steps after the Vampyre Nostra DOminicus...


the head vampire was in our sight, he knew that we were on his trail and that battle was to commence..

The upper courtyard was barren of everything but stone. There was a stone floor, a stone battlement and not much else. At first sight Magnus (head vampyre) was a weedy man, a man such that Lindo might crush between her thighs, but no! He doubled in height as he rose up before us. I nudged Lindo, as if suggesting that if there was any a time for her near vampiric tendencies to be put to use, it would be now. Her eyes rolled, the blood in her eyes abated for a moment and she stood up of her own accord. She growled, I cocked the shotgun..she was about to fly...

the power was surging through my veins, a feeling, which was awesome, I knew I could take on this evil being. I suddenly rose from the ground with the most immense strength surging through my veins; this was the time to kick ass. I lunged towards the demon knocking him to the ground, only for him to jump to his feet and meet my challenge. our eyes locked.......

....and at this point, feeling a little left out, Bruce pulled the triggers. Now, it could never be said that the Lord of the Underground was a handsome fellow, but after digesting the rapid output of a two Mac 10's, there was not much head left. Bruce chose the moment to be a hero, little realising that Lindo, amidst the struggle of the Nearly Dead, had already pulled The Lord Vampyre's tongue out of his mouth and wrapped it around his legs. Bullets didn't hurt the situation much, as Lindo and the Lord lay in a heap on the floor. How would Lindo arise? As one who needed further culling? Or as one who needed a good agent in Hollywood?

lucky for Bruce amongst all the flying bullets, the moment I had pulled out the vampire's tongue I had reached for the sharpened ruler which Bruce had given me and plunged it deep into the lord’s heart..I slumped to the ground on top of the evil demon and felt all that immense strength slowly drain from me...

.....yeah, immense strength, blah-de-blah. All I saw was fucking bonfire night. There were explosions; green light emanating from Lindo's mouth, rising to the sky and exploding. It was clear that we had conquered some kind of fucked up Ancient Evil, with a chainsaw, good looks and the right attitude. Medals would not be awarded but they should be. Never be afraid of the dark. Embrace it and, if needs be, fuck it up!

The morale of this tale is never down four bottles of very pleasant red wine and then go and explore a derelict house with Bruce....

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