26 Jun 2006
"Too fucking right mate. I'm gonna be right proper cunted later, off me head with biggles with a bit o' charm, eh!"
"Well, we'll see you there chum and we can all get donald ducked! Cheers." We pulled out of the carpark leaving Derek from Falkirk eating burgers from one hand and shrooms from the other. Funny who you meet at motorway services.
Busy night tonight and no mistake. "It's been an effing busy day already and we still ain't found enough extensions for all the strobes." And as Kathleen had been reminding me all effing day ,"One cannot throw a replete free party with only a glow globe and a few lighters, darling. You must have strobes!" Kathleen was my bird. We had something special even when there was no grass left, only mud, and the strobes wouldn't reach the effing scaffold.
"'Ope you brung your wellies young Hunt, coz it's gonna be a shitty fucking night tonight and no mistake."
"Yep sarge, got me wellies and extra pair a'woolie socks!"
"Good thinking lad. And make proper sure you bring all your bracelets. There'll surely be plenty of ravey kids that needs locking up for their own good tonight."
"Yep sarge, I'm proper prepared. But I don't understand why they wanta dance in a field."
"It's the droogs son, the droogs!"
Sorted for e's and whizz. And coke and ketamine, acid and shrooms, and a bottle of amyl nitrate or 'animal' as the two of us like to call it - for very good reason! And I had a sneaking suspicion that Darren had a fat wrap of brown for afters. Me and him had been driving for most of the day and we still had sixty miles to cover to Cornwall - and then we had to find the only field in the county with a pumping pa and hundreds of ravers in it. It was already getting dark so we'd be able to follow the lights to the party, right? "I hope they got the lights sorted." said Darren. Me and Darren had always thought along the same lines. Especially on acid.
"Al'right Kathleen luv, throw the switch now!" *click*FLASH* "And we have light people, now we can see what we're effing doing." Cars and vans had been arriving for about an hour now, full of party people full of effing e's, all wanting the free party to be in full swing about half an effing hour ago. Unfortunately, the only banging tunes were on the stereos in the vehicles, but that didn't stop the genuine nutters bouncing around getting in the effing way of the effing professionals. "They want effing tunes but they ain't doing effing eff about anything." I was mumbling to myself, plugging the phono sockets in.
"Rick darling, don't grumble. It shall all be fine, and a dandy party, no doubt." Ah, the ever comforting words of Kathleen. "Oh, and Richard, there are some policemen down at the gate stopping our guests from entering." O effing marvellous.
"No son, no party here, so why not boiger off."
"But officer, where are those lights coming from then, eh?"
"Look, my lad, don't play the clever turnip with me ol'roight, or I'll have Hunt here slap you in chains, you see if I don't."
"Look officer, there's a queue of cars here and we both know why and there isn't anything you can do about it. Officer plod."
"That's sergeant to you!"
"Thank you Hunt. Now my lad, if you'll be so good to step out of the car, I'll search you for droogs."
“Oh shit Kev, now we're fucked." Darren had a point. We'd just started on the charlie as we were chilling in the queue of cars and now me and my big mouth had gotten us in the shit. We were both carrying enough narcotics to kill a horse and now I'd gone and pissed off officer plod here. But the charlie wouldn't shut itself up. "Alright there officer, if you'll just let us through I won't press any charges against ya." And I gave him one of my winning smiles.
"Very good sir. Now if yoi'll exit your vehicle before I have to smash yoi teeny wee skull in."
"Shit," we both thought,"we're proper scuttled now."
"Oh 'ere we go Kath, police hassling the punters already. Flipping brilliant!”
“Well Richard, I’m sure you’ll be able to smooth the situation out with your excellent diplomatic skills.”
“Yeah right Kath, I’m about as effing diplomatic as a cow. Oh shit, that’s me mobile….babe, I gotta go back to the tent. They’ve got their effing wires crossed. You wouldn’t be a darling and sort this mess out for us?”
“Of course Richard. Off you go, leave this to me.” That’s Kath for you, absolute blooming star. She looked like a million dollars and could talk the gold plate of me fake rolex.
“Roight lad, if you’d be so good as to lean against your car,…”
“…, I shall proceed to pat you down.”
“Er, I’m a haemophiliac officer. You can’t touch me. Isn’t that right Darren?”
“Yep, can’t touch him. Or me.”
“Bollocks. Hunt lad, get your bracelets at the ready. I have a feeling we’re about to nick these two.”
“Got ‘em sarge.”
“Why officer. We’re innocent!”
“S’right. We’re not guilty!”
“Really lads? Well, I have this gut instinct, coz I am an officer of the law, that you are nicked, unless you’re both travelling pharmacists…”
“Is it droogs sarge? How do you tell?”
“It’s me years of experience, Hunt lad, a quick wit and an eagle eye.”
We were fucked and no mistake. Darren looked at me from across the roof of the car and I looked at him. Right proper screwed. And then this saviour appeared, this angel in yellow Wellington boots.
“Hello sergeant, I was wondering if you could possibly help me. I’m in a spot of trouble.”
“Terribly sorry ma’am but I’m busy detaining these two scallies…”
“Who you calling a scally?”
“Shut it lad!”
I was still trying to keep my trap shut but the Charlie just wouldn’t have it. The angel put a hand on officer plod’s shoulder and gave him the full effect of her pearly whites.
‘Well played lady!’ I thought. So did Darren.
Right. All we need now are some records and a DJ or two. Knowing our effing luck they’ll be stuck in that convoy down by the gate. C’mon Kath, do your thing.
“You see the trouble sergeant?”
“Yes ma’am. Your flatmate, the Queen’s niece, is stuck at Exeter station and looks loike she’ll be late for her natural birthing ceremony….”
“Which is just about to start in our tent as soon as all our guests have arrived…”
“Roight, and the Queen’s niece needs an escort from Exeter to here you say.”
“Indeed officer. I don’t suppose……?”
“Hunt me lad, you stay here and direct the guests to the tent. I shall leave for Exeter Central station immediately.”
“O officer, you really are too darling! Beatrice will be overjoyed to have such a sweet policeman escort her, but you’d best hurry as she could be waiting there now. She might be a little later though…..”
“No problem ma’am. Leave it to me.”
“You’ll probably get a knighthood sarge!”
“Probably, hunt lad, probably.”
“Roight lads, if you’d be so kind as to get into your vehicle and proceed through the gate so the rest of the guests can get in I’d be much obliged.”
“Of course officer.”
“No problem officer.”
“Thank you officer.”
“Hunt lad, I’ll be leaving you in charge.”
“Righteo sarge, leave them to me. I’ll get all the droogs!”
“No lad, you will not. You will guide the Queen’s niece’s guests into that there field and you will smile a great deal.”
“Right you are sarge.”
“Good. I’m off to Exeter.”
“Ah constable, I’m just off back to the tent to meet our guests. Do let me send down a thermos of coffee for you.”
“I’m okay fankyou ma’am. I shall do my duty to the Queen.”
“Nonsense constable. I insist that you have some coffee whilst you do your duty. I’ll send some right down.”
“O, okay ma’am.”
Then the angel came knocking at my window. “Hello boys, I’m Kath. I don’t suppose you’d be as kind as to give me a lift back upto the tent?” Wow, look at that smile! Even if she hadn’t just saved me and Darren’s drug riddled bacon, I would have given this divine intervention a lift wherever she wanted to go.
“Sure, ma’am, jump on in! I’m Kev and this is Darren.”
“Hi Kev, Hi Darren. Thanks.”
“Thank you!” in unison.
“Was that a narrow escape then boys?”
“Err, it was a flipping miracle Kath!”
“Here we are, just to the left there. I was wondering, would one of you be a complete darling and take a thermos of coffee down to our police sentry on the gate?”
“Of course…” I was saying as Darren interrupted.
“Give it to me. I’ll do it.”I looked at Darren and saw a glint in his eye and a tiny smile turning up the side of his mouth.
“Why thank you Darren.”
Errrrrrrrrr. Yeah right.
Well, quite an effing free party this has turned out to be! Here I am standing like a wanker behind the decks with no records and no DJ to be seen. The punters that made it past the effing SS road block are still dancing around the cars like trip happy beat junkies. “It’s all effing marvellous!”
“Deep breathes Richard dear, here comes the cavalry.”
“Kate! You pulled it off didn’t you? You should be a negotiator for the effing UN!”
“I know honey, what would I do without you! C’mere girl.”
“Hey Darren, howzabout we drop a couple more tabs each, y’know, to get to old juices running good and proper?”
“Er, we can’t Kev.”
“Why not mate? We got the whole night. No fuck that, we got the whole weekend to get good and fucked up. I demand that we continue to get righteously unbalanced right now.”
“Kev, dear tripped out colleague-o-mine, give me some acid!”
“Why not man? Where are the little beauties? You haven’t fucking dropped the lot have you?!” I was beginning to lose my cool. Normally I am a very level headed, calm collected sort of bloke. But what with the Charlie and the first couple of micro dots well and truly kicking in and then Darren apparently turning all his screws loose, I was definitely losing it. I was being tested. I realised this and so steeled myself for the answer.
“I put them in the coffee.”
My fuse having been lit, I was preparing to blow. “What fucking coffee Darren. You total fucking loony we don’t have any….”and then I shut up.
Darren twirled the thermos he was carrying around his finger like a deranged gunfighter and looking straight ahead he smiled that smile that I have never felt conveyed anything but twisted intent and, normally, bodily harm.
“Fuck me Dazza, you really are a total fucking loony.”
“Through the gate, up the hill and turn left.”
“No problem sir. It’s my duty.”
“And I can inform you that my sergeant is on his way to pick up the Queen’s cousin’s niece right now.”
“And that the natural birthing ceremony will commence as soon as they arrive.”
“Natural birthing? I fought this was a free party.”
“Free part? Dancing in fields…? Have you get any droogs sir?”
“Er no. I’ll just head on up then shall I?”
“Oh hello lads.”
“Hiya PC Hunt.”
“Howz it going PC?”
“I have everything under control.”
“Good, good, glad to hear it. We need good men like you to watch over us in our hour of need. Was it not Shakespeare who said ‘When those tempestuous skies…’”
“Shut up Kev. Here you go mate, here’s that coffee.”
“Thankyou lads. This will help me do my duty.”
BOOM BOOM BOOM “COME AGAIN SELECTA!” BOOM BOOM BANGITY BOOM “WHO’S LOVING THE RUSH? DJ COME CROSS!” WOO WOO BOOM BOOM BOOM
“…fucking excellent party…”
“…loving those mental tunes…”
“…fucking cars stuck in the mud…”
“…strawberries mate, five quid for the two…”
“…so I said to him…”
“…she sodding told me to…”
“WHO WANTS THE REWIND?!”
“…poppers mate. I was dancing like a mad man. Absolutely fucking blinding! Literally, I thought I was dead like..”
“…lets double drop again…”
“…like we did last summer..”
“Fuck me Dazza, it’s started. Feel that base…”
“..In my face! Mental bastards, lets go.”
“And we’re running up the hill towards the throbbing, flashing tent fiddling with button bags and wraps and delving deep into our pockets for that elusive pink pig pill, dropping things everywhere, mostly down our throats. We’d been surviving on lines of yang before coz we didn’t know when it was going to kick off so now we were sadly well behind on our evening’s pharmaceutical plan of action.
“It’s gonna take a while for us to get fucked.”
“Maybe Kev, maybe.”
“What!? What’ve you got?”
“I have a glass pipe and I have some crack cocaine.”
“Fuck me Darren, you are off you’re head. I’ve never had this before. What’s it like then?”
“Well, it will turn you and me into mental having-it dancing ninjas for ten minutes and will stimulate your nervous system and whack the pills into third gear.”
“Sixty miles an hour?”
“One hundred and twenty mate. It’s a Porsche.”