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Zap. Bang. Fucking Wallop. Have you ever fallen so hard, for so long through such daunting spaces into a broiling cauldron of lust like I just did? Sitting here, I was, minding my manners and perusing the female bottoms mingling about the store when SMACK, in she walked, a dark haired, slightly taller than a midget, lip stud most assuredly off-centre and dressed like a Peruvian goat herder, beauty whose visage will simply transcend my bumbling attempts at describing it. Take it from this battle-hardened reporter, this girl was the mustard and by Jove, if you’ll excuse my wanton depravity, I wanted to spread her on my wiener schnitzel! My sausage of love has been dry for too long. It needs the kind of moisturising that Olay just can’t provide.

So, I trip over my feet and tongue and realise that if I am to make sweet love to this little wonder woman I’d best buck up my ideas. Good God, but what a derriere! I think her name is Natalie. Or maybe just Nat.

Natalie, Natalie, Nubile Natalie,
Your every glance pulverises me,
Dark, penetrating eyes,
Like a sultry Cat,
O Nat,
You study in Bristol,
You’ve loaded my pistol,
And I’m afraid it might go off.

So we chat and banter and her friends are distracting us from our destiny with their honest and innocent questions. And then it strikes me. Again. SPLATT! I need to sort my life out. Nat is too fine a specimen for her to be satisfied by my lacklustre approach to life. So, I recommend a video and they leave and Nat leaves and she takes her dark hair framing her dark face with its dark eyes and her elegant wrists and what a smile and they go and she takes her bottom with her. Which gives me an opportunity to have a quick word with myself about values and meanings of things and what, if anything, is to be done. I decide nothing. I sometimes forget that it is not me who needs to fall in love with me but others. I need fast cars and big bucks to love me, which, at present, I don’t have. That is why I am just good friends with me at the moment. Others, however, have been known to love me for me. Maybe Nat will.


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