11 May 2004

Sex is Power. Power is Energy. Energy is Matter. Matter is Mass. Which means that Good Sex, or A Lot of Indifferent Sex, is very heavy, man. Sex is a black hole. It draws you in and then consumes you.

One moment you are a wandering satellite bumbling along on some mission in the outer reaches when all of a sudden you encounter Sex. It could be a leg, a thigh, a smile, the hair and as soon as you see it your direction changes and you start orbiting Sex. Around and around you go, deliriously hopeful and salivating, rubbing your hands up and down your thighs and licking your lips. Then you realise that you have relinquished a certain quota of your control. You should know that if you do not pull up at this juncture then you will be lost to the Sex Black Hole. Not many pull up. Which makes sense as it is better to fly on and crash and burn rather than to not fly at all.

What is SEX? What does it mean? Sensuous Erotic eXchange? Such Extreme Xtasy? Suck Earlobe for Ten? It should always mean pleasure, even if it hurts. Hopefully it doesn't always preclude conception although that is why it is buzzing around our heads all day.

To me Sex is what you need to make a sunny day complete. The beach is good although a little sandy. Distant meadows just over the brow of the hill are preferable. Bring a towel though as although the field looks luscious, with its bluebells and poppies, under a bare arse it is crumbly and sore. One day I want to try it with coconut oil. I want a large PVC tarpaulin, say 20 feet squared, suspended at each corner by a two foot pole so that the PVC acts slightly like a trampoline and all the coconut oil collects in the middle. Let it simmer in the sun for an hour and season with myself and as many honies as I think I can handle. That's good eating.

Anyway, enough about Sex, let us talk about Wanking. I love wanking. In fact, I am a wanker. I am also a motherfucker now, which is fun, but that is not relevant here. I have been wanking, more or less daily, since I was fourteen. Let me quickly do some maths.

27 - 14 = 13 years of wankage.

At an average of 1 wank a day that is 4745 wanks in my life (give or take a few for leap years and the such.)

4745 wanks. Not many now until I break 5000!

I imagine my average wank takes about fifteen minutes. Some shorter and some longer but I feel 15 minutes is fairly accurate.

4745 * 0.25 (of an hour) = 1186 hours and fifteen minutes.

Which means that I have spent a little under fifty days strangling the bishop. That is seven weeks of hard goddam work, baby!

So, let us say that on average amount of ejaculate, or 'rejects' as one sexy bitch once called it after I exploded onto her back, thinking she was asleep, is roughly 20ML.

So, 4745 * 0.02L = 94.9 Litres of cum. That would probably fill a bath or two. If God is a Catholic I am definitely burning.

Wanking is great. My shortest wank was probably about thirty seconds. A pre-charged head, full of erotic rumblings and a few quick jerks later and Budda Bing. My longest was a little over 14 hours long. It was after I came home from some banging jungle night at some club in Bristol, still buzzing my nuts off on billy. 14 hours of smoking spliffs and drinking juice and banging away at myself until my dick looked like a zeppelin. I didn't come, I just fell asleep eventually.

And noone can wank you like yourself. Some ladies have come close but they are handicapped by not having spent hours with Little Jimmy. My cock has changed shape slightly due to my exertions.

The other day Mother left an article out for me to read. It was about a Japanese scientist who had published results which led him to advise daily wanking to fend off prostrate cancer in men. Ladies, you will have to find some other excuse.

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