5 Mar 2003

It suddenly occurred to me that this was the perfect opportunity to test run my chainsaw. The ceilings were low, the vamps were packed in densely and we had no other hope. I threw the stake to Sami and bent down to the bag. Sami uttered a scream of panic and then drove the stake into the bald vampire. It screamed and then seemed to implode. The others started to scream and Sami fell backwards over my crouching body and onto the floor. The vampires charged towards us just as I dragged the chainsaw from the bag and brandished it triumphantly over my head. Sami shouted something in French, which I did not understand, the leading vampire leapt into the air, I switched the saw on and ripped the starter cord, all at once. The beauty roared into life just as I arced it over my head and into the path of the descending vampire. The saw blade hit its head and did not stop. It felt like I was carving custard with a scalpel. Bits of the vampire fell all about me as I spliced the bastard in twain. Then both halves imploded. I looked at my saw and smiled, then turned my eyes to the approaching vamps to see who was next.

Christ, is that the time! I have to be in Oslo in three hours! Right, well, to cut a long story slightly shorter, I massacred the lot of them. The chainsaw worked brilliantly and Sami pulled himself together sufficiently to don the wooden gauntlets and implode a few more vampires himself, using Savate which he had learnt in the foreign legion. The whole point of the story was to explain the one legged vampire with the big gun who had threatened Sami’s continued existence on this earth and how I had dealt with that difficult bastard. That will have to be dealt with at a later date, if I remember. Nor have I mentioned a thing about my recent visit to Paris. God, I do go on. Fuck it. I am too tired, too drunk and too late. I must away.

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