20 Jan 2005
Osama Bin Laden has apparently released a new video in which he claims the recent earthquake and resulting tsunami were a direct result of actions committed by Al Quaeda. In a ten minute video recording, a man who resembled Osama Bin Laden and whose voice print has been given a 77 percent verification by the Federal Bureau of Analytical Voice Printing as to belonging to a felon previously identified as Osama Bin Laden, spoke of an inevitable 'turning of the tide'. King Canute anyone? Or was that tide of turn or was that Best Laid Plans?
Anyhoo, more breaking news. Pope Louis XXIXXLCVXII or, fuck it, Louis the Octogenarian has made his point clear to the Western Press that a lack of prayer and contraception has played a major role in the recent human tragedy in the Indian Ocean. "Only mmmmphrrgum and a lot of hurummph might possibly save your soul." the Pope was heard to have murmured. Official sources have presently locked themselves in their hotel rooms demanding prayer mats, multi-faith books of worship and tequila.
You heard it here first.