30 Jul 2003

So, went and played tennis against Viv. She did not appear to be in the best of moods and it seemed I could barely raise a titter out of here with even my most extremely banal and ludicrous antics. So we knocked the balls about for awhile and it became clear that she was quite handy but nothing that the Brucemeister couldn't handle. Shortly afterwards I had to face the fact that my backhand had left me for warmer climes but I was having a laugh so I was not too concerned. Eventually she consents to playing a game or three and we start serving it up. Viv spent the whole time umming and awwing and sighing and making disgruntled faces (which she does very well) but she took the first set off me 6 - 2. I must try and make it quite clear that I was not being competitive at all, I was enjoying myself playing a leisurely game of tennis with this fine filly in the morning sun. With the first set finished Viv says she has had enough because it is dull.

"Dull?" said I as we left the court for her car.

"Yes. I find it dull and boring when playing someone who is not good enough." says she nonchalantly with no glimmer of humour in her eyes. I realise she is being deadly serious.

After swallowing and then quickly regurgitating my tongue I manage "Really?"

"Yes. My game drops and it annoys me and I find it very dull.” she reiterates to me.

At this point I could feel the change beginning to happen from calm, fun loving Bruce, to seriously-you-are-dead-meat-you-CHEEKY-FUCKING-BITCH Bruce. I managed to bite my tongue this time and reminded myself I was quite keen on this young lady and it would not do to smack her over the head with my racket. I mean, 6 - 2 is a convincing beating but by no means a thrashing and it was the first tennis I had played for over a year, whilst she plays a couple of times a week for the local club. So, I said,"Right, Vivienne, you and me back on that court right now and bring it!"

"No Andy, I cannot be bothered anymore. It's dull."

RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!! "Okay Viv, but I hope you realise you have started it now. Next time we play the only thing that might bore you will be your inability to win one point!" says I with glee.

"That I find highly unlikely Bruce. O, and Daddy said I could be playing off a handicap of 17 with my swing in a short while." she points out as calm as you like. Now, I had taken her up for her first game of golf three days prior to this and all I shall say is that I had a fixed grin of patience stapled to my face. She will be good but not that good. I point this out to her explaining that it could happen but probably won't and then she says,

"In a year, I'll beat you at golf and still whip you at tennis."

"Wha..Whoo...Eee..Errr..WHAT?! YOU ARE ON! Shake on it, we'll sort out the forfeit later. You are in trouble now!"

And we went our separate ways. However, her simply knee shattering gall at calling the experience of playing Bruce at tennis 'Dull' did not leave me all day. I told everyone I met about her almost indescrible lack of realism and imminent humiliation. She really got to me. This morning I am considerably calmer and writing it down helps ease the pain. The real point here is that I am sure that she wasn't playing, you know, taking the piss out of old Bruce but truly meant it. Viv played two matches last night and she texted me later to tell me she had lost them both. I laughed out loud. Call me petty, I do not care. But do not call me Dull!

Right, I'm a little late for work now as I didn't write owt last night what with the golf after the tennis and the hockey after that and the drinking a little later on with a smidgen of spliffage to wrap it all up. It is bucketing it down at the moment and I spent all last night with the windows wide open so I could listen to the torrential downpour. Very calming, very Zen, very nice.

In closing, I advise strongly against playing any tennis with any trumped up young ladies.

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