FUJI: “Listen bitch, you stay away from him. He’s mine.”

ME: “Er, no I’m not.”

FUJI: “O yeah, well you will be.”

ME: “I don’t think so.”

FUJI: “I’m pregnant.”

ME: “O congratulations!”

FUJI: “You’re the father.”

ME: “I don’t see how that’s possible.”

FUJI: “You remember that night? The one when you told me you loved me and then we screwed.”

ME: “Not clearly. It was ten years ago. Do you remember?”

FUJI: “Hai! You took my cherry.”

ME: “Right. I think this is all a dream you’ve had. Perhaps you ate too much cheese one night before you slept. Anyway, I don’t love you, I love her.”

SOPHIA: “And I love him.”

We take time for an ‘Aside’ during which we look deep into each other’s eyes.

FUJI: “NO you don’t. I love him and he loves me. Here look, look at this tattoo.”

SOPHIA: “Darran hearts Sharon forever.”

FUJI: “See!”

ME: “But my name’s Bruce.”

FUJI: “So?”

ME: “And isn’t your name Fuji?”

FUJI: “What? NO! I mean, yes. But I love you Bruce!”

ME: “Truly I am flattered but as I have tried to make quite clear there is only one girl in this world for me…”

SOPHIA: “O Bruce!”

ME: “…and that’s this filly standing by my side.”

SOPHIA: “You’re such a charmer. I’m veritably swooning. Check my pulse.”

ME: “Gosh. Check mine.”

SOPHIA: “Golly. Our hearts are beating as one.”

FUJI: “O fuck off you two nonces. I’m going back home to Japan and my husband.”