Apathy UK

Breaking News! Osama Bin Laden has apparently released a new video in which he claims the recent earthquake and resulting tsunami were a direct result of actions committed by Al Quaeda. In a ten minute video recording, a man who resembled Osama Bin Laden and whose voice print has been given a 77 percent verification by the Federal Bureau of Analytical Voice Printing as to belonging to a felon previously identified as Osama Bin Laden, spoke of an inevitable 'turning of the tide'. King Canute anyone? Or was that tide of turn or was that Best Laid Plans? Anyhoo, more breaking news. Pope Louis XXIXXLCVXII or, fuck it, Louis the Octogenarian has made his point clear to the Western Press that a lack of prayer and contraception has played a major role in the recent human tragedy in the Indian Ocean. "Only mmmmphrrgum and a lot of hurummph might possibly save your soul." the Pope was heard to have murmured. Official sources have presently locked themselves in their hote...

Normally I'm a very chilled out sort of chap but presently feeling mildly heckled. Let me explain. This morning I handed in about a ton's worth of petrol receipts to my boss so there may actually be some hope of getting my money back. Being half Jewish, half Scottish and two thirds Tight-Bastard he went through them with a very fine and meticulous microscope stuck firmly up his arse. Doing so he discovered that on two occasions I had filled up with petrol in Bude a mere thirty minutes before I had to be at work in Plymouth, an hour away on a good day and with a favourable wind. "See here Bruce." he said. "See what?" said I and he pointed out the logic behind his conclusion that I was shirking my responsibilities. "Never!" said I, "But how then?" replied he and flummuxed I was indeed. Then it occurred to me that the small and decrepid rural petrol station I visited out of pity, may well have had their clocks an hour ahead. "Ah ha ha!...